Mukazi Wange (My Wife)

Please indulge me a bit.

I am now in the middle of a nearly five year journey I could not have predicted a mere 2 1/2 years ago. This first week in August covers the date of my 61st birthday and the first anniversary of my wife Jan’s passing on August 6. That week a year ago was terribly difficult and sad for my children and myself, as Jan was in home hospice then.

So I wanted to take this opportunity to remember Jan. Many of you knew her, many of you did not. As a few in my family know, I haven’t really been homesick here in Uganda, but I’ve had the occasional bout of missing Jan, particularly when I think about how cool it would have been to do this experience with her. I have not completely escaped the grief.

Jan and I were married in 1983. We made a good team. We worked hard, raised our children, enjoyed our friends, and many activities together. We also tolerated each other’s dissimilar interests. I always said that our marriage survived because we let each other do what they wanted to do. With that came complete trust and of course, love.

Shortly after Jan passed, my wonderful niece commented on our marriage. I was so pleased with what she said. This is an excerpt-
Being around you two, I kind of got marriage for the first time. I could see how you loved each other so much, and how you seemed to understand each other so deeply. I saw how two people can completely share a life, and show up for each other every single day, in small unglamorous ways, and how special and real that is.

I’ll never, ever forget my time spent with the both of you. You’re the faces of married love for me now. You were in the thick of it and still your love was impossible not to see.

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As I deal with comparatively easier challenges here in Uganda, I draw inspiration from the way Jan handled her own adversities and challenges. In 2001 when she had breast cancer, not only did she deal with the downside of the surgeries and the misery of chemotherapy, and the drugs, but after 15 years as a Realtor, she emerged with a new career. At the age of 48 she decided to become a nurse. She spent endless hours in our guest bedroom studying. I’m not sure how much her example inspired my children, but it impressed the heck out of me. She received many accolades from Kaiser, including Float Pool Nurse of the year. She was also a union steward, and committed herself to that job full bore, like everything else she did.

In 2011, Jan decided to celebrate 10 cancer-free years by competing in the Tri for the Cure, a mini-triathlon involving swimming, biking and running. All summer she trained for it, and ultimately she placed high in her age group. A proud moment.

Finally, there was her final battle, one we knew she could not win, against ALS. Some people tell me I am courageous to do the Peace Corps (I don’t think of it that way- and if you were here among these people, you wouldn’t either), but real courage was Jan facing a terminal illness with an accepting attitude and stoic manner, as gradually (and more quickly than we had hoped) the disease progressed, and she became more debilitated. She never complained, and showed inspiring spirit until the end. I don’t know if I could have handled it so well if our roles had been reversed.

Of course, the primary legacy of our marriage is our children. We were able to see them grow up, complete college, and become responsible independent adults. There were trials to be sure (Blair as a teenager- yikes!) But when my Realtor tells me last month, “Clark is such a gem”, and when Blair earns high praise from her employer for her efforts handling her stressful job, my heart swells with much pride. I can’t imagine having a better relationship than we did, and I do now, with Blair and Clark. Jan has left her mark!

I should also note, that when I going through things when moving out of our home last spring, I found her journal she kept sporadically from ages 16- 28. She had let me read it during another move many years ago, nothing too personal is in it. Anyway, when she was 25, a few years before we met, she made a pro and con list about whether she should join the Peace Corps. I had forgotten about this entry of course.

So raise a toast to Jan, my inspiration, my best lifelong friend, and the love of my life!

Thanks for letting me share this with you.

By the way, Wange is “my”, and Mukazi is “wife”. Getting the words in the right order is as hard as memorizing them!